THE PLACE OF COMMUNICATION IN A BLISSFUL AND PEACEFUL HOME
Part 2(final)
Communication 10:10. Ten causes and cures of relationship communication problems.
THE 10 CAUSES OF RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS
According to marciamediation.co.uk communication problems are the most common factor that leads to divorce, at 65%. This was followed by couples’"inability to resolve issues" at 43%.
Causes of communication breakdown in marriage are:
"Blame, nagging/complaining" was a complaint of 70% of men, followed by lack of sufficient appreciation from their spouse at 65%
Lack of validation for feelings and opinions was number one with women at 83%, followed by 56% who said their spouses talk about themselves too much.
These indicting statistics are the reasons why the study of communication in marriage should be taken very very seriously. Communication can promote understanding, agreement, and trust in marriage. Communication is the connecting link between partners and the life wire that connects, activating to articulate the intents of the hearts between couples.
Unfortunately, the learnable skills called communication skills are not learned but abandoned to the detriment of the marriage union. Thus, it is necessary to highlight the causes of marriage relationship communication problems.
It is written,
Hosea 4:6, My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge…;
Amos 3:3, Can two walk together, except be agreed?; and
Proverbs 24:3-4
3, Through wisdom, is a house built; and by understanding it is established:
4, And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches. These scriptural quotations are testaments to the importance of information and agreement in any given situation, especially as regards marriage relationships and homemaking.
Hence, the need to highlight the causes of communication breakdown in marriage relationships. There are ten highlighted causes of relationship communication breakdown and they will equally be the bases for the proffered solutions.
1)Too much time on electronic devices:Unguided and unregulated time spent on electronic gadgets causes communication breakdown between spouses. Time is the measure of destiny. So, wasted time cannot be recovered. Wasted time is a wasted destiny. Some couples give more attention to their phones than they give to their spouses. Some even dare to seek advice from the wrong sites and persons within social media platforms.
2)Jealousy:Some couples are so jealous of their partners to the extent of being possessive of them. Such an attitude creates a lack of confidence and trust between couples which will over time lead to communication breakdown.
3)Hard and harsh words:The use of unguided words in a marriage relationship ruins the marriage union. Words build and words can destroy. Even if it is a tradition that curses are used regardless, know and note that words are seeds and they have lives and deaths within them.
4)Unrealistic expectations:Some partners have unrealistic expectations from their spouses. In real-life situations, expectations are like estimates which cannot never come out exactly as planned.
5)Hiding feelings:They are couples who cannot show up to discuss their feelings with their partners. This can degenerate into a cold war within the household. Sexual feelings for example are not communicated. The inability to discuss this natural feeling with your God-given spouse can lead to irreparable damage in relationship communication and the marriage.
6)Bulk passing: The blame game is the act of attributing to others what is your responsibility. Making your spouse responsible for your decisions, actions, thoughts, and feelings does not solve your problem rather it will aggravate it.
7)Spouses ignorant of their love languages and that of their own partners' love languages. Love has a language and it differs from person to person. Just like our personality traits are different, so are our love languages. To some people, it may be sweet talks, praise, gifts, kisses, togetherness, and so on.
8)Keeping scores:Are you an accountant, a historian, a marketer, a lawyer, a socialite, and so on in your home? These and many other professions are good within their professional fields. However, some of them are not so good if they are to apply the principles of their profession to the latter in their homes.
Do not be a referee who will accumulate yellow cards for a player only to send him/her off in the thick of the actions or a referee who issues red cards erratically.
9)Poor listening skills:This is at the top of the pack of the causes of marriage communication problems. If you do not listen attentively to know what is being communicated to you, you will not know the response you will give. Judgemental attitudes, selective listening, and absent-mindedness are some of the reasons for poor listenership among couples. All these lead to frustrations and misunderstandings in a marriage union.
10)Selfishness or self-centeredness:
Some partners are not considerate of their spouse's feelings while deciding and acting on issues that concern their homes. They seem to be too independent of their own opinions rather than seek and obtain their spouses' opinions and contributions on issues that will eventually affect the well-being or otherwise of their households. They seem to have forgotten that marriage is not a union of convenience but a union of purposeful relationships, fellowships, agreements, trust, love, humility, and unity.
THE 10 SURE WAYS THAT GUARANTEE EFFECTIVE AND EFFICIENT COMMUNICATION FOR A BLISSFUL AND PEACEFUL HOME
We have seen the definitions of the basic terms in use throughout this chapter; we have discussed the key features necessary for effective and efficient communication; and we have discussed the caustic factors to marriage communication problems or breakdowns. It is now time to proffer solutions.
It is said that when the causes of a problem are known, solutions become easier to obtain and administer.
1)Too much time on electronic gadgets and social media. Electronic gadgets and social media are good and great for the advancement of the infotech age. However, it is advisable for couples and even other users of information technology devices and social media not to be caught up in the web as prey waiting to be devoured. Be purposeful and intentional and know when to unplug from every gadget that causes distractions whenever important issues in the house are being raised. Seek and obtain implementable advice from trusted sites online but ensure that you adapt it before you adopt it for implementation in your home. Do not be hooked online at the expense of your home. Remember, time wasted cannot be recovered except by the divine intervention of God's speed and favor. Time is the measure of destiny. Guide your time for your good and the good of your family.
2) Petty and destructive jealousy:Marriage partners should learn to be open enough to avoid unnecessary policing of one another in marriage. Learn to trust yourselves. Love and submission are commanded and obedience is required from the couples. However, trust is earned by what we do and how we do what we do as well as what we communicate and how we communicate what we communicate. Therefore, work to earn the trust of your partners.
Obsessive possession of one's partner will be minimized if not eradicated adequately if openness is practiced by the couples in their homes. Partners should cut off all unholy ties that could lead to the breakage of their homes.
On openness that will destroy destructive jealousy, Genesis 2:25 says, "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." Remember that the serpent is ready to destroy your marriage once he notices that you are not obeying the rules of engagement in the marriage union. Chapter 3 of Genesis explains this better.
3)The use of hard and harsh words: Couples are to be reoriented about words, the impact of words, and the usefulness and uselessness of words. Partners should stop insulting their spouses. Harsh words create barriers. If the words in the message are offensive, the receiver of the message will be on the defensive thereby making the message lose its essence. The use of words that will always box your partner into a corner must be avoided as they are unfriendly and inimical to the health of your relationship. Name-calling and the use of unprinted words of accusations against your spouse must be avoided.
4) Unrealistic expectations:Expectations are always part and parcel of every relationship. However, unguided and unrealistic expectations do exist. Partners should be able to educate themselves on the use of mini-max expectation rules as a guide against disappointment which is inherent in expectations. Partners should always be willing to educate one another on what they expect from themselves in their marriage. They will be willing to set minimum expectations to manage situational and unforeseen circumstances.
5) Hiding feelings:Your personal feelings are often hard for another person to decode. Therefore, being honest and sincere about your feelings for your partner should be at the heart of good communication between you and your spouse. Couples should be truthful to one another and must be united in handling issues of feelings together in marriage. Ensure that nothing is swept under the carpet.
6)Bulk passing and blame game: Partners are to own up to the responsibilities of managing their emotions in the marriage union. You are responsible for how you feel and your happiness. Your happiness and unhappiness are a result of your response to what happened or what did not happen. When you own up to your emotions and you are open to your spouse you will find it helpful.
7)Poor knowledge of love language: Most couples know nothing about a love language. Most spouses do not know their love language and talk less about their partners' love languages. Ignorant is a mountain and barrier to growth. Love languages vary from person to person. To some people, it may be gifts, praise, acknowledgment, hugging, kissing, and so on. Know your love language and that of your spouse. Apply it mutually in your communication with your spouse for it works wonders when it is properly deployed.
8) Keeping scores:Keeping a diary, keeping scorecards, and journaling are good habits but keeping scores in a marriage relationship engenders malice, and suspicion inhibits good communication between spouses. Couples are advised to constantly and deliberately edit their minds of any offense they are holding against one another to delete them off their mind’s records. Forgiveness is a command and not optional for couples who want free flow and good marriage communication.
Always remember that life is better as an arena for Complementary Completions rather than an arena for Competitive Comparisons. You are not in competition with your spouse.
9)Poor listening skills: Listening is a soft skill and it is learnable. So, couples are advised to learn this soft skill as it will promote good marriage communication. Be quick to hear a matter but slow to speak. Understand what is being communicated or seek clarification, reflect on what you hear, and act accordingly. Be attentive and act in consonant with what is being communicated to you. Do not delay actions where necessary for that will not justify that you have heard what is being communicated to you.
Also, just and timely action will be cost-effective and will save your marriage.
10) Selfishness and or self-centeredness: A marriage relationship is an emotionally laden investment. It comes with the opening of an invisible emotional account for couples to deposit their positive emotions in it. If one party to the account is only interested in withdrawing from the account by depositing negative emotions and or only receiving from that deposited by his/her spouse, there will come a time when nothing will be left. Therefore, couples are advised to deposit positive emotions consistently and intentionally.
Empathy and compassion for your spouse should be a daily practice. Gracious words should not be a scarce ingredient in the communication menu of couples.
These ten sure ways that guarantee effective and efficient communication for a blissful and peaceful home are handy and learnable. Learning them is easy. Practicing and living them out is expected from willing and determined minds. Enjoy your marriage.
Be aware of smoking doctor's syndrome.
Drop your comments, views, reviews, and suggestions via the author's Email: ginuschuks@gmail.com
Note, this is a part of my yet-to-be-published book.
🎍©#Ginuschuks Okonkwo
